Wednesday, February 25, 2015

How Low Self Esteem Makes You Look Confident

I was recently enlightened to the notion that I exude a sense of low self-esteem. Crap. Or is it by design?

 Most people think that the thing to strive for is happiness but that seems false to me because happiness and high self-esteem are fleeting.  Nothing goes away faster than happiness but sadness and low self-esteem can last forever.  I say “low self-esteem” but how I define it is just a critical introspection and a harsh self-awareness of ones own flaws. Is that low self-esteem or just critical self-awareness? The key to appearing confident with all this low self-esteem is to make peace with all your own flaws.

I don’t think that self esteem is linear but circular. If you took a line and put high self-esteem on one end and low self-esteem on the other end then took that line and bent it into a circle you would have the circle of self esteem.  If you notice that high and low self esteem are right next to each other, meaning that if you aren’t paying attention they look the same.  And there it is, that’s how low self esteem makes you look confident.

Its not just regular low self esteem either, anyone can mope around feeling gloomy, its gotta be really low to the point that you have stopped caring about self esteem all together.  Low self esteem stops being a fault and becomes a virtue when you let go of all the pretentions that come with feeling sorry for yourself and when you really stop caring what others think.  Lots of things change when this happens like you will stop walking around with your head down because you don’t care who’s looking at you, you dress the way you really want to because nobody cares what you’re clothes looks like.  When you’re self esteem is low enough, you realize that you’re bulletproof because there is nothing anyone can do or say to hurt your feelings.  You don’t walk around with a false confidence that high self esteem brings but with real confidence because you’ve accepted who you really are and you don’t care if anyone accepts it or not.  Now that you know the secret, enjoy.

Is that what happiness feels like, or contentment?  Don’t ask me, it’s all low self-esteem to me.

…I just want to add something real quick. Who the hell has high self-esteem?  I want to know who these deluded people are. Am I the only one that thinks that the proper human response to life is constant self-examination with almost a paranoid preoccupation with a fear of being part of the problem.  If a few more people were like that the world might be a better place or they might even think twice before doing harm to others.  I don’t understand high self-esteem because it seems like a blindness to the animal we all are inside.  Some of us keep a hyper vigilance on the animal inside so we can keep it at bay but maybe this is just the animal lashing out.

Maybe… this is just me exuding low self esteem again.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Don't Be A Bully Ridicule Responsibly!

First let me tell you just a  little about myself.  I am in a constant fight with depression (surprise!), you know I’m not lying because of the depression I’ve left in the couch (roll snare drum).  I guess I deal with depression the way I deal with everything else in my life, with humor.  Ive been doing stand up comedy for the last couple of years and they seem to feed each other.  The depression gives me the focus I need to write about how much my life sucks but if none of it goes over too well the depression kicks up again…. But it helps!  I’m not advising anyone to do stand up comedy because it can suck and just make things worse especially if you’re not funny but writing is good therapy.  But wait, you don’t know what to write about. Sure you do, I’ll help you that’s why I’m here but lets have some fun along the way.

This blog is gonna be dedicated not fixing you but trying to brighten your day a little and letting you know that life sucks and we’re all in it together.  When you’re depressed the hardest thing to do is feel better about your situation and to put a smile on your face.  I think you just need to find the right smile because there are different kinds.  I’ve always hated the “I’m happy” smile,(those happy bastards) it just seems like showing off. Then there is the “I’m nervous” smile (I know this one all too well), I personally like this one because it drives people away instead of inviting them in.  The one that comes easy when you’re depressed is the “ha ha you just fell down” smile, this is my favorite one because it doesn’t mean you’re happy or pretending anything, you’re just enjoying another persons embarrassing moment. 

Enjoying another persons pain seems harsh but it works (wow that sounds way worse than I intended) for a good laugh.  I don’t mean to go be a bully and start pushing people down what I mean is that basically comedy is tragedy plus time.  The theory is pretty simple its basically the equivalent of imagining pushing your bully down a flight of stairs, you would never do it but it makes you feel good just to think about it.  Works the same way with your personal problems like making the joke first before anyone else does taking the power away from everyone else. Lets try an exercise.

This is how I write my comedy but it also works as therapy and having a good laugh at yourself.  First make a list of things you hate about yourself. For example- being fat,skinny, being weird, dull, ugly, poor, rich (you get the idea). Next pick one. Now start making jokes (yes its as simple as it sounds, don’t worry I have examples).  For example, lets say you’re depressed that your overweight girlfriend just dumped you (I know that seems really specific but it happened to me I just wasn’t depressed about it, don’t look at my like that I’m not lying).  Lets start making fun of your fat girlfriend (remember these are not to use anywhere else other than on your page or the stage, don’t be a bully). 

The following is my thought process while writing a joke.
Lets start with how fat she is. Being fat is gross. Her being naked is gross. Here is the joke- my fat girlfriend was naked in the bed when I walked into the room and she said she wanted me to do anything to her… so I dressed her.
Now if that made you laugh you just experienced the kind of laugh that is even still possible when you’re depressed (maybe that’s why its my favorite kind of laugh). Making fun of your problems is the best way to get over them (it works for me) so give it a shot.  Or maybe if you want me to do some of the heavy lifting for you let me know what to make fun of in the comments and we can make fun of it together.

If you want some extra laughs follow me on twitter @smellyfingertee

Don’t forget, Don’t Be A Bully,  Ridicule Responsibly!